Dark Side of the Loon

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

2012-02-29T21:00:00.003-08:00

This is a really good time for me. I'm in a good place, Missoula, Montana.

I am on a bit of a tour right now, doing what I love doing. I've had the opportunity to work with some very talented people and very awesome people. In a span of three weeks I'll have performed in six states, and 10 freaking cities.

I love comedy and I love what I am doing. I made a CD. sounds weird to say, and usually when you hear CD in Los Angeles, you think of the tranny prostitutes on Santa Monica Blvd.

Notsomuch.

If you read my recent post, I was heartbroken by the death of a friend, inspiration and comrade. It made me realize I need to stop fucking around and bust my ass at my passion. I don't know how much time I have on this planet.

I decided to self-produce a CD. I decided to get a podcast started. The gigs kind of presented themselves and I am thankful for the opportunity to do my what I love doing.

Feb. 17th I produced a comedy show in LA. Usually never fun, but it worked.
Feb. 21st I recorded a CD in my hometown of Tulsa, OK.
Feb. 24th I headlined a show at a coffee shop in Sapulpa, OK and did all clean material. something that wasn't hard for me, but something I rarely do.
Feb. 28th I flew to Montana to do four gigs in a beautiful state with the coolest audiences, I have ever met.
Next week, I'm taking an Amtrak to Seattle to see a cousin and do a couple of spots there. After that I am doing three 30 minute feature spots in rural Washington, Idaho and Oregon. I may tack on a few more days if the opportunity presents itself.

I am thankful to do what I love doing.

I have been lucky to work with some really great people you know and some really great people you should know. Melissa Villasenor, Susan Freeman, Richie Stratton, Mimi Gonzales, Jonny Loquasto and Ed Galvez. All funny people and great and

I've also started a podcast - GETTING CHICKS WITH DAVE AND MATT - with my good buddy Dave Swan

Look them up online, and if you like me you love them.

I'd love to stay and chat but I have a few more dickjokes to write.

In the meantime, listen to the podcast and please share it with your friends.

GETTING CHICKS WITH DAVE AND MATT

Episode 1- Getting Chicks with Dave and Matt- Jan. 21, 2012 Lynn Halsted

2012-01-27T03:41:00.000-08:00

Big News, just started a podcast with a comedian buddy of mine Dave Swan (@swanagram on Twitter). We named Getting Chicks, which as you see will be a double entendre. We'll have a weekly catch up session with ourselves and have a different female guest weekly. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

This is our first episode. Our guest is Lynn Halstead, 15 year veteran out of New York, who writes the blog. It's a catalog of entries of every man she has slept with. All names are kept anonymous yet hilarious. You can follow her on twitter at @56men.

Take a listen it's fun.

Getting Chicks Podcast Episode 1

Angelo Bowers Is My Hero.

2012-01-04T23:25:00.000-08:00

I'm typing this through tears and I don't know what say. I lost a friend yesterday. It's selfish to say I lost a friend, because I got to share him with everyone I could. It really put this in perspective when my mom called me today, because she remembered the jokes of Angelo's I would tell her.

I started doing comedy seriously in January of 2008. One of the first places I went in LA was the Pig N Whistle in Hollywood. That's where I met Angelo Bowers. He was one of the funniest on a dozen funny guys there. He had his own style, a smart and playful style. He was warm and sincere, and I was intimidated by how funny he was.

I was too intimidated by him that I didn't introduce myself until the third week I had seen him. When I did, he remembered some of my awful jokes, and invited to go with him to go with him to another open mic down the street.

This is what he did, doing 2-3 spots a night, working on his jokes, writing new hilarious stuff every time. And making new friends everywhere. If you saw one of his sets once, you listened to him every time afterward. He was real. He was genuine. He was hilarious.

Comics never left the room if they knew Angelo was coming up. It was like when Babe Ruth came up to the plate. If he was at a comedy club, the 10-15 year veterans would watch and him and pay attention. He was our star. I loved telling somebody who hadn't seen him that they'll want to watch this guy.

As funny as he was. He was a greater person. There were no strangers, he was shy and humble, and everyone wanted to meet him. I got to share him with people. He got to entertain them and it was great because it's what he loved doing.

He left LA for a couple of months and I kept in touch with him through texting and when I made him laugh and smile it made me feel better. When he came back, he made comedy better. He is and always be something special.

I'd like to make a life change and try and be more like him.

He died yesterday, he was in a car that was hit by a drunk driver. It doesn't make sense to me. It probably never will. I'm typing this and I am crying and hoping this is something worthy of him. And I'm sure he'd laugh and tell me not to worry about it.

I don't know what to say. Try to be more like Angelo. Work your best at what you do and be nice to people. Tell people you love them. Hug them, be supportive, care.

I'd like to be more like him.

Training Day, My firstborn.

2011-12-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

Training Day - watch more funny videos

This is the first sketch I wrote and produced. It started as a joke i made with one of my co-workers, and turned into this. I've always wanted to act, and write. I was cast in minor parts in a few things, and motivated me to learn how to make movies.

I don't know how to do all the technical photography and editing, but I am learning the process.

I was very fortunate to be able to cast a group of really good actors that GOT the script and what I was trying to do. Also very fortunate to work with Matthew Copeland. This was his first camera and editing job, and I think it looks solid.

Enjoy the show!

not as tech savvy as i need to be

2011-08-25T17:44:00.000-07:00

I don't have the physical gifts of my father, an electrician, carpenter, plumber and mechanic. I grew up when the goal was to go to college , sit in front of a computr and make enough money so you'd be able to pay someone to do that.

I haven't.

So my computer skills should be flying high, right? I'm decent.
I used to be impressed that I figured the way to copy photographs from websites back in 1997. haven't prgressed much more than that.

never learned HTML, photoshop, and right now, I can't get facebook to delete one of my emails from my facebook page. (the one I use for real people work)

This shit is frustrating. I'm glad you found this. :) <~~~that was the other thing I learned.

truth

2011-06-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

I am having such performance anxiety that I can't finish this blog because I fear you'll judge me.

JESUS

Fixing Business with Pleasure

2011-02-16T12:06:00.000-08:00

I’m a comedian, I tell jokes, I make money for it, sometimes. There is a certain level of professionalism, yet I still I can perform my job while drinking, and I get to talk about penises and minorities. I am single, I’m not lonely, but I am in my thirties, which in my hometown would have me between my third and fourth wife by now.

It takes a special person to love a comedian. We travel alot, and when around we are sarcastic, jaded a-holes looking at life as material. It takes a special person to love a comedian.

Some comedians/ comics go the simple route, they date within the clan. It makes sense, they are around. They likely “get” you, and you have similarities.

One problem, when you break up and likely date another comic, you start to get a reputation, I’m not saying it’s valid, but you get one. So, yeah you kind of have to own it.

Quick story.
I worked at a gas station chain back home; loved it. There were like 60 stores in the city, we worked hard, worked jackball hours, and partied a lot. Often fellow employees would wind up hooking up. It was no big thing. However, once you hooked up with a with a second employee, the guys and gals were both looked as sluts. (However in Oklahoma, you can be considered promiscuous, for having killer dance moves , and yes I do have them)

Being looked down by your coworkers can truly fuck you up, and put in you in a socially awkward state and possibly affect your job performance.

The only advantage to being a skanky convenience store employee over a skanky comedian? We had health insurance at the gas station.

You can find me in da club...

2011-02-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

Comics that talk shit about porn stars, Jersey Shore and Ke$ha but are afraid to talk about Industry are more pussy than doing black and Mexican jokes in Beverly Hills. I have always thought staying with safe topics is as appealing as having sex while wearing a T-Shirt. I’mma talk about comedy clubs.

Comedy clubs are in business to make money; which is sort of expected. What really is sad for comedy is some clubs get so focused on short term profits; they forget that it’s a million times easier to get a person to come back, than come out once.

If you are friends with a comic, and they are relatively new, they will invariably invite you to a shitty show. I did it, and yes I apologize. These are shows that no one wants to see and are usually in real screwball time slots. These are Bringer shows. They are godawful and the only reason anyone goes is because they are somehow friends (at least until this night) of one of the comics.

Ever been to a comedy show and only one section of the crowd is laughing their balls off, to a mild chuckleworthy joke? Yup, that was a bringer.

Bringer shows are full of cute names like “emerging”, “developing” “bursting” comics that could just all be easily called naïve. They don’t realize they are doing the producer and promoters job for them all in the name of premature stage time.

To their credit, it is HARD to produce a successful show in Los Angeles. I have done it with a moderate amount of success.

There are a handful of comedians in Los Angeles I have seen that know how to get an audience, and most importantly, get an audience to return. I tip my cap to the comics that book their own shows full of hot comics : Mark Fry, Sam Tripoli, Jonny Loquasto, Justine Marino, Jimmy Talerico, Chris Millhouse, Rudy Moreno, Amir Kamyab, DJ Cooch to name a few. You know something else? They are all funnier comics, because they surround themselves with the best comics they can find.

If you look at consistently hot shows, Tiger Lily, 12 Shiny Nickels, Comedy Juice, Punk House, Refried Fridays, Mo Better Mondays, Comedy Revival, Comedy Meltdown, Chocolate Sundays, Comedy is Dead, etc, you see the top shows have all two key elements, repeat patrons, and top comics

What these faggot producers don’t realize is it fucks the game up, by ear-raping a casual audience.

For example, you and I both open a restaurant on the same street; I do regular stuff, you sell your pasta for a nickel a noodle and have people lined up around the block. It’s great until you realize people find out your cooks don’t wash their hands after squeezing one off and your meat came from Sub-Saharan Africa. Botulism spreads, people leave, don’t return and no one wants any Italian food.

And now I’m going broke because you chose to be a faggot. Gay people shouldn’t be upset when I say faggot; faggots should be though.

Sappy Lew Year

2011-01-04T10:08:00.000-08:00

OK So i feel like a piece of me has been removed, which normally would be traumatic, but my cancerous negativity has been replaced by recent events.

My new year started off in fine form. In fact I'll back track even further.

I was back in Oklahoma for Thanksgiving, I met a cool chick at a bar. I charmed her with my yelling at the TV during the Bedlam loss (Damn you Landry Jones!!) I got her number we hit off her, so yeah that was cool.

Then I team up with two really skilled, smart and savvy comics to put togather one of the best shows anyone in LA had seen. I got to showcase a few of my younger comics along with four legitimate headlining comics (Sam Tripoli, Bil Dwyer, Jerry Rocha and Marianne Sierk. The house was packed, we sold tickets, we were able to pay the comics...amazingly rare that this happens in LA.

The girl from Oklahoma came out to LA for New Year's Eve. We hung, I showed her LA, and got to give her a kiss at Midnight on New Year’s Eve…Cool, but even cooler when I add that we were at a dope party in Silverlake and had an awesome view of the fireworks from Dodger Stadium.

Yesterday, I was off work from my day job, and had like a Hollywood day, the kind of day I dream about.

I did some newspaper interviews via phone for some upcoming shows. I booked some shows for February. I was able to do a favor for a very talented comedienne who will appreciate it.

And then I found out I am booked for a TV show, small appearance, but enough to get my SAG voucher.

It’s finally happening…I am at a loss for words, and I am ready to get uncomfortable and take the next million steps.

I’ll try and not be a douche, but I hope I am ready.

I had a show at the Comedy Store last night, and somewhat fell flat, but I didn’t care. I know I am talented and am excited about this opportunity.
A guest of mine walked with me on my way out the back patio, and was impressed with all the comics reaching out to say hey.

Awwww Fuck, I’m starting to like LA. I must be sick

This post is gay

2010-11-11T16:34:00.000-08:00

I truly don't give a shit about some of the gay issues in the media these days. I am in fact patting myself on the back, because I no longer have cable TV so I don't watch the slop that passes for news. One of the things I hear about ALL the time are the gay issues.

I don't know if this was part of the all out blitz by the Republican party to take back the Congress. To me, It's a mysteriously polarizing issues. I work with many gays, through my dayjob and in comedy. Chances are they don't want to fuck you.

Walking through life being afraid of people is not attractive to anyone. Granted in a prison situation, yes raping the homophobe may be attractive, but I personally won't end up there until Los Angeles makes parking tickets a criminal offense, in lieu of a way just to fuck with the general populace.

I don't consider bullying of gays a problem. I consider bullying of anyone to be a problem. Yes, It's unfortunate that people feel the need to section off and go for the weak. Yet animals do it all the time.

And yeah some of the weaker psycholgicaly people will take the lead sandwich, chances are they were just looking for a reason to do it. People are assholes, and teenagers show little restraint. Water is wet, the sky is blue, and NBA'ers bang blondes. I wish it wasn't true, but let's not polarize and just protect gays from the failures at life. Let's work on society.

Gay Marriage, I don't give a shit. I don't plan on getting married. nor am I gay.

It's like NHL highlights during Sportscenter. I am not Candian, I don't ice skate. All you are doing is interrupting any chance I could have to watch Oklahoma State football highlights.

I think gays should be treated just like everyone else. let them do the will stuff, the insurance stuff, and let them be as lame as all the married straight couples I know. If someone is adament about stopping gay marriage, here is the best you can do....Don't marry a gay person.

I do chuckle about gay adoption. I ruined a pair of pants one time when I heard a newscaster say, Gays rearing children.....yes I'm 12.

Gays in the military is a hot topic for republicans. If they were as fiscally responsible as they claim to be, and not into policing the world. Our soldier supply wouldn't be in such a dire need.

I think Don't ask, don't tell was righ for the 90s , and showed that homophobes can serve alongside gays. However, now that the cat (or cock...heh) is out of the bag, per se. We should treat these cats that serve our nation just like anyone else.

I am surprised that so many of them are OK with being dressed alike though. (yeah that was kind of a weak one)

2010-09-26T20:43:00.001-07:00

Last at comedy store openmic = highest creditscore in Wu tang clan

2010-09-24T18:56:00.001-07:00

Just cut a guy off in traffic because I didn't like theway his car looked, ill admit it

2010-09-09T00:10:00.001-07:00

Its only cool to hear kareoke from 80s songs

2010-08-14T23:44:00.001-07:00

Singing along to "I just wanna just be your lover girl" at the west hollywood 7-11...not advised on a Saturday night

John McCain has been vocal in his opposition about Arizona Immigration bill...

2010-07-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

... so loudly the Asst. Manager asked him to leave the Denny's

2010-07-28T11:39:00.001-07:00

Having a bad day the other day, but saw a guy in traffic sticking an inflatable doll and waving. I smiled until realizing no time to take a pic.. .back to gloom

I swear to goodness

2010-07-28T04:23:00.000-07:00

I will start blogging more often, not these epic paragraph after paragraph posts of before. but a little more often.

I hate LA, Don't get your hopes up , normal world. I am perfectly capable of being miserable anywhere. I would just rather be miserable somewhere I can afford my rent.

Some things I want to do in the future:

Learn Photoshop,
Get a better job, that will allow me flexibility
Drop some weight
Get back up in front of the mic.
Stay not smoking!

Puns and Roses

2010-02-24T16:20:00.000-08:00

I don’t blog much, because I rarely stop and smell the proverbial roses, I already know what roses smell like. Besides, I am not gay, a florist (redundant?), or a chick; and with my disgusting cigarette habit I wouldn’t have time to appreciate them.

I would probably enjoy feeling the thorns entrench themselves in my flesh to make me remember what it’s like to feel again. Hollywood has changed me, shocker I know, I was hoping to change this city. I am only one man (albeit I do a few characters).

I am tired of the favors, the fake smiles, fake hugs, and being friends with everyone. I don’t have to be everyone’s friend, they certainly aren’t gonna be mine. In fact I took this to the cyber level, when I decided to stop accepting friend requests from random people on facebook. (I know bold move, right?)

People are so afraid of telling dickheads that they are dickheads, especially in this entertainment industry. I don’t offer unsolicited advice, but if people genuinely want my advice I’ll praise or *offer ways to improve*

I am just sick of people that are afraid of conflict. I am not saying life should be a scene from Oz, but if you are doing something asinine retarded, a good person will break the bullshit aura of decorum and call you out on that.

It happened to me, I went on stage at a bar show a few weeks ago *drunk*, and not a beer too many, but wasted. My set blew, the crowd felt uncomfortable, and I felt worse. I ended my set short because I didn’t forsee a big finish, and I didn’t want to suck any more air out of the room.

Afterwards I was told I was an idiot, I’m funnier than that, I made a stupid choice, and there are a 1000 comics in my position in LA that wanted the spot I was in.

I appreciated the dress-down. It was coming from a good place and it was definitely warranted. I f I didn’t want to hear it, I should have had my shit together.

I didn’t hold my head down, but felt really good I got that ass-chewing, probably just because in mid-chew, he said I was funny.

I'm not a playa Haiti-er

2010-02-11T13:35:00.000-08:00

I just don't see why all of a sudden people realize they were supposed to give a shit??!?!? Oh Well Two and a Half Men got picked up for another season, and that's what Americans are really concerned with.

I wrote this joke on the way to the set, and this was the first time I had used it on stage. The delivery stinks, but I am sure you get my drift.

I rode with another comic to this gig. We were talking about our love for live performances. Although we both know that TV and film is where the money is at. The talk inspired me to up with my new favorite term for doing a good set in front of a good crowd...Microwave Happiness. I'll use that term more often.

Not Closing Doors, Not Waiting on Porches Either

2010-01-18T09:04:00.000-08:00

Shit has been cool.

I've been dealt two hits of bad news, but it is rolling right off my back. I jknow it sounds gay as hell but it's like that TI/Rihanna song, "Got no time for no haters; 'cause I'm a paper chaser"

I won't get into the specifics, but if the first person I am willing to open my heart to in 13 years disses me (twice), I should be sad. I'm not. I'm disapointed, but I will be more than happy to keep the razors in the medicine cabinet.

Secondly, a club I helped open, poured my heart and soul into; got them so much credibility with comics in Los Angeles gives me "the Conan O'Brien", and expects me to roll with it. No Thanks. I appreciate the opportunities. But, I wasn't going to screw my friends out of stuff.

Basicly there are other women in LA, and there are other clubs in LA. I am not saying both will fail without me. But given past histories, I think my truly good heart would help either situation.

But I have a mother Theresa side that comes to the aid of entities that need it.

I realized it when I did a strong set in a club that wasn't home turf. In fact it was one I bombed at before. I am pretty good now I guess.

As far as femmes. Fuck 'em. I don't need one, but if one is around that has their head on, and the chemistry is right. I am open to anything.

Don't "get" your Day Job...

2009-12-29T17:12:00.000-08:00

It's inevitable when you get a new job, and you deal with someone who you have to tell the new contact, "I replaced Johnny" and they retort that you must because Johnny was a fuckup....

That jackass on the phone has been fired from multiple gigs for fucking up.

Americans hate their jobs, we grew up wanting to play point guard for the Lakers, guitarist for Motley Crue, hotshot lawyer that tells a judge to suck it, yet still win the case.

You had false hope too many people reinforcing your dreams with structures of balsa wood, too many pass/fail classes at some pussy liberal arts school.

You thought you would make it, you didn't; you took a job settling for less, you take a job short term to get you buy until you are doing what you want, before long you've been there long enough to be vested in the 401k profit sharing. It's almost enough motivation to make you care..."Lehman Brothers does well, I'll do well too" whatever....

You cope, you start drinking coffee, lots of it. Coffee to get you by so you can justify rolling ot of bed for a substandard wage to buy the shit you don't need, and mistakenly try to impress the friends that you don't have.

Coffee has replaced religon as the opiate of the masses. I grew up in Oklahoma, and there is a church on every corner, and even in my backwater peniswrinkle of a town, there are 2 starbucks on those same street corners.

Want to see the influence of coffee?? Go to a manufacturing plant, and demolish the coffee machine with a ball peen hammer.

By the first union sanctioned break, the foreman will be hung from the rafters, fully gutted; any marketable body parts will have been harvested and sold with a paypal reciept in a dockworker's hand by from Ebay.

So yeah, I've had a few shitty jobs.

Don’t call us, we’ll call someone else.

2009-12-23T15:25:00.000-08:00

A lot of comics think I will book them based on clever conversations we have on Facebook or whatever. I can appreciate optimism.

I will give credit, sending a Youtube or a FunnyOrDie link is better. But, I don’t do webcast shows. I am not sure if many comics realize it. I am not a television producer, I am not a movie maker, I do produce live stand-up comedy shows.

I know demo reels can be doctored edited all that stuff. I would rather watch you live. Here’s an idea, invite me to a live show. Or go wherever I am, I am a fairly easy guy to find. I’m not Waldo. I’m not Jon Gotti. I’m not Keyzer Soze.
Open mics I frequent:

Tuesday: Amsterdam Café
Wednesdays: Pig N Whistle
Thursdays: Sunset Grill or Comic Bug
Friday: Sunset Grill or UCB Theater or Amsterdam Café
Saturdays: Icehouse (Afternoons)
Sunday: Comedy Store or Lovitz

I am not promising to be anywhere. I don’t owe many people anything. If you’re funny, I’ll find time for you. If you’re not I’d suggest talking to somewhere where you may fit better.

I don’t lie, and I won’t try and bang you….unless you’re a Samoan male with perfectly trimmed eyebrows, a rugged appearance, and know Kenny Loggins entire catalog by heart…That was a joke.

You can find me in Da Pub Mama....Pocket Full of Dub...

2009-12-18T04:29:00.000-08:00

OK, So first of all, did anyone bother to ask 50, what the hell a pocket full of dub was. None of my black friends could make a good logical reasoning out of it. And all my white friends, (well the ones that like hiphop) were too chickenshit scared of sounding condesending to ask what that mumbling, target practice-torsoed, bullet magnet monkey was saying.

If you get shot 10 times, you likely deserved some of the lead.

And no not all black people are monkeys, but you are a racist when a black person looks like a monkey and you don't point it out.

I suppose it's the charm of being almost killed, somewhat charismatic, relatively goodlooking. Suburban wannabes won't do anything that would make them feel whiter than they already are to ask, "What a pocket full of 'dub is."

Always brilliant to start a blog off on a sidenote.

I went to a nightclub recently, and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I went because I had girls in from out of town, and I have a hookup at a rather posh nightclub in tinseltown.

It wasn't as bad as I thought, mainly because I bypassed the line with the guestlist, and got to avoid that collection of narcissistic optimistic sexual deviants who were wearing their best "fuck me" clothes. I don't have the need for acceptance or attention. I am in love, and don't really care for the attention getting mode.

I am not sure if Ed Hardy has a scent, perhaps a staler version of Teen Spirit mixed with desperation, and the mint leave from a $12 Mojito. But that was the vibe I got. Lots of grinding foreshadowing the future regret.

I went with a friend, and fellas, if you ever want a great wingman at a club Brian Swineheart is your boy. He was pulling numbers from the parking lot. I'll get more in depth on this later.

Anyways, had a nightclub experience and it wasn't God-awful, but if you do that Hollywood nightclub shit every weekend, you're soul will be devoured like Tiger Woods' legal fund.

I like to drink, but I'd much rather have a pub over a club anyday. I like people that consume beer and nachos, not fake compliments.

Look at the Calendar at the top and come see my shows.

Thank with your Head, not with your Heart

2009-12-09T16:50:00.001-08:00

Better late than never.

I wanted to have a blog up for December, and I have actually been killer busy at both the day job and the night job. It's made me a relatively angrier person than regular.

Sidenote: I despise like a cancer the insincere bulk texts I get on Thanksgivings. It's cool you remembered to say thanks, but it comes off as genuine as an Ed Hardy shirt.

I believe my thoughts become my words, and my words become my beliefs. So , I am going Oprah-esque and putting the good vibes out again.

Here's some shit I am thankful for:

-My day job, I bitch and moan alot about it, but there are alot of people unemployed right now. Thanks to the managers and owners of my day gig.

-Rick Shapiro, meeting Hurricane Rick was something of a trip. we met out the Improv, one night. He was impressed with my knowledge of Sean Penn movies. He motivates and inspires me to go deeper and not be content with horseshit sets.

-Mike Gundy, It's very gay I have my college football coach up here this high, especially after getting his ass handed to him my Mack Brown and Bob Stoops, but he does give a shit. He just needs to work smarter instead of harder.

-My bank, Oklahoma Central Credit Union, They approved my loan, I got my Jeep, and life has been easier ever since. They are also a bank staffed by Americans not customer service reps in some third world shithole who barely speak the language.

-Frank Kelley, he gave me a job at Jon Lovitz Comedy Club (likely against his better judgement), he's let me earn stage time, I've made him money, and he's made me a better comic.

-Mustafa Ahmad, Jason LaCour, Angelo Bowers, Josh Adam Meyers, Scott Bowser, Rodney Wade, Justine Marino, Leisa Mills, King Anyi Howell, and Chris Putro; These are LA Comics I see grind every continously and are always blowing me away with new shit. They are funny demons and they push me to be better comics. I'd give them all hugs, but they would all try to grab my dick....except Justine and Leisa.

-My parents, they put up with my horseshit, and still love me unconditionally. It's kind of wicked retarded that I left them this low on the list, but they know how ADD I am.

-A special girl, she motivates me like a motherfucker to write and be funny. Her praises encourage me. Her scowls make me work harder. She sometimes drives me nuts. We'll probably end up like Mickey and Mallory. I am not saying her name, because it isn't nessecary, and she knows who she is.

Anyways, I'm not as angry as I sound all the time. But I am just always busy.

If anyone asks, I'll just say I started from least important to most important.

If I left you out, get over yourselves...FUCKERS!

Thriving under the Influence

2009-11-30T17:41:00.000-08:00

Alot of people ask me who my influences are, and it's one of those questions, that I can't answer in a sentence or even multiple paragraphs.

My parents were very good about exposing me to comedy at an early age, and helped wet my pallete. I believe my first exposure ws early Saturdy Night Live, Weird Al Yankovic videos, and records of Bill Cosby and George Carlin.

I remember the first live comedy show I ever saw was George Carlin at the Brady Theater in Downtown Tulsa. It's a historic venue, and I one day hope to grace the stage there. I also saw Weird Al Yankovic there too. He has a hard dick for Tulsa, he shot UHF there. A hilarious flick, which featured Victoria Jackson and a pre-Seinfeld Micheal Richards.

I started out with Weird Al, Cosby, and Carlin, all guys I aspire to be compared to. I'll just rattle off the rest of my influences:

Chris Rock, Bring the Pain changed my life.
Doug Stanhope, his bit about anti-depressents and OCD saved my life.
Dave Chapelle,
Norm MacDonald,
The guys from Tough Crowd: Jim Norton, Nick DiPaolo, and Patrice O'Neal
Maijia DiGiorgio,
Rick Shapiro,
Jim Gaffigan,
Joe Rogan,
Tom Green,
Ron White,
Craig Robinson,
and Phil Hendrie, the funniest man on radio, ever.

I've also been motivated by guys/gals I do or see shows with here in LA.
I love making a room full of people laugh, but when I get one of these guys to just grin, I get that funny felling in my heart. It's that endorphin that makes chasing that dream one step closer to reality.

Gene George,
Jason LaCour,
Charlyne Yi,
Evaldo Garcia (Canibal),
Dan Bialek,
TJ Miller,
Angelo Bowers,
Chris Putro,
Chuck Bartell,
Josh Adam Meyers,
Mustafa Ahmad,
Thai Rivera,
Jay Dee,
Lizzy Cooperman,
Jamar Neighbors,
and
Mack Lindsay.

Not all of these guys/gals are my friends in real life, but they are guys/gals who consistently kill me, and I wanted to share a little of what makes me tick.

Neither of these lists are exclusive and always fluctuating, but I just wanted to let you know some of the cats I respect, and I hope you follow their careers, as well as mine.

My road trip to success would be boring if I was the only one in the car.

Just an idea...be proud of your work.

2009-11-24T14:40:00.000-08:00

If you are a comic, and you have been grinding on open mics and bar room shows for months on end, and someone finally books you on a show. Perhaps, promote it, invite people, to see what you have been working on for months, years, decades.

I've been doing this for a while, and I am pretty good at it, but I have yet to make a chair laugh. If you can, you didn't, but I would like to meet your pharmacist.

Especially when it is a FREE show. If you can't inspire people to turn off some shitty TV show like, "Two and a Half Men" and get off their fat American asses to come watch you do something original. You either A) know you suck, B) aren't original.

I know the whole, "I'm an artist issue," I get,Honestly I do. I tell dick jokes too. I realize that comics in LA are a commodity, just like 99 cent stores, tranny prostitutes and taco trucks. There is a fine line between good and bad, and no one cares if you get on stage again, unless YOU do.

Here's another idea, tell people a few days/week BEFORE the show. Not the day of.

People have significant others, childcare issues, stuff they want to DVR, and the like. Don't wait to the last second to invite people to see something you SHOULD be proud of.

There are a 1000 comics in LA that want/need stage time, and if you aren't proud enough to invite your friends...well fuck you. Posting something on facebook is great, but printing up fliers, and giving them to your coworkers, neighbors, family, the cute chick/cat at Starbucks, drycleaner, classmate, rapist, poker buddies, maid, tranny prostitute.

If the only people you know are other comics, then you are lying and/or are a failure at life.

Effort is all that is asked. I can't expect you to tell jokes when I doubt you wipe your own ass.

Chairs don't laugh, don't buy drinks, and clubs close when people don't try.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Go Raiders, Go OState

A Real Cowboy, Keith Toston....

2009-11-19T10:31:00.001-08:00

I don't get into heroworship when it comes to athletes, but I will make an exception. Luckily, this guy went to my alma mater, Oklahoma State University.

Keith Toston has been the Epitome of COWBOY UP!

He came in with alot of hype, got some early PT, but fell behind in the depth chart to Dantrell Savage and Kendall Hunter.

What did he do? He kept Grinding, and Grinding and Grinding....

He didn't pout, he didn't transfer, he didn't become a cancer.

We are 8-2, and 5-1 in the Big 12, and a MAJOR EFFING REASON is Keith Toston, we relied on our 2nd string tailback to carry us through games and get us wins against Tech, Iowa State, Baylor, and Mizzou.

If we had 50 Keith Tostons on the roster, we would be an unstoppable team. We would also have too many running backs on the roster.

Cowboy up

EVERYONE Knows Adam Vinatieri is the best kicker in the league

2009-11-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

...off the Colts, formerly of the New England Patriots.

He has won Super Bowls with clutch kicks.

He wins 1-2 games a year for the Colts.

He hits 90% of his field goals.

He doesn't go around talking about how good he is on Saturday Nights.

He doesn't need to kick small animals to prove how good he is. He gets respect for his performance on Sundays.

He never looks like he is threatened by other kickers. He does his job, and knows how good he is.

The guy he replaced, Mike Vanderjagt, always ran his mouth, he's out of the league these days.

Enjoy this week's games.

Perfectly Capable of Butcherinng This Up at Any Time

2009-11-10T16:44:00.000-08:00

I have gotten funnier. Every comic says it, but that is just because alot of comics are egotistical bastards and scumbag salesmen. I've got a home club, and getting on at other joints around LA. Which is kind of cool, yet kind of weird. I can attribute to getting comfortable, and knowing I have future gigs.

I am not an LA guy, I always thought I was, but I was way off. If I ever get popular in Los Angeles, either shoot me or everyone in this city. I am hoping you choose the latter, I would probably like this place without all the traffic and parking hassles.

I am looking for a few more road dates, so if you are a club owner, and are mildly amused, holla....

This blog should have been more entertaining, alas it isn't.

Things are going well, but as I told the owner of the club I work at, I am perfectly capable of butchering this at any time.

Fuck LA, yet I am a Dodger fan....

Hitting Women is too Easy

2009-10-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I played the hero last night, it felt good to know I did the right thing, but dissatisfied with the reult.

I was hanging at a comedy show in the shady part of Theater Row in Hollywood. It's a part of town with still wet Latinos and 6 foot tall black tranny whores. This is not the Bed, Bath, and Beyond crowd.

About 11PM, someone points out a couple that we couldn't tell if they were fighting or plowing each others fruitful loins against a sedan in the shadows on the side of the street. I assumed it was a couple being playful, but had a weird feeling. I grabbed some of the comics who were outside to go with me

(This is where i will interrupt the building intruige in the story to tell you my amazement that comics actually put their cigarettes out, stopped texting/twittering, and trying to get booked on someone else's show to be altruistic, albeut for 30 seconds.)

We surround the guy Mr. Smith Matrix style. I made the verbal and eye contact. I felt strong, I felt mighty. I saw a look of damsel in distress in her eyes. In his eyes, I saw a combination of many Tecates and an appalling annoyance at the interruption in his family's tradition of female coercian as if I was masturbating during a briss.

We seperate the guyfrom his lipstick covered punching bag. He starts taking swings at the fellas and we wrestle him to the ground in a non UFC way, and sepeate him from victim.

As soon as the whole gang came togather like Voltron, Ike Turner let go of his chick, and I asked her if she wanted to come across the street and call a cab and get home safe.

She looked at us like we were insane. It is surreal when an epiphany hits someone in the face, and they clench their eyes tighter. Because, change is an unknown, and misery has that familliar flavor of Bazooka Joe (at first better than no gum, then quickly remembering that the recycled joke from the fifties on wax paper is more entertaining.)

Chris Brown goes into crying mariachi mode, and it was delightful to see. He realized he had been an asshole, and his lady may be mooking for a different guy's name to tattoo on her neck.

And then the unthinkable, this lovestruck down syndrome patient turns goes back just to talk. We all shrug, turn around and plan our next Rihanna joke about the incident.

15 minutes later more banging on the same side of the same car. Spanish yelling and then the car takes off with Mike Tyson laying a patch of rubber longer than a list of Justin Bieber accomplishments.

I have never wished for a woman to be abused/beaten/humiliated. But as a joketeller, I always carry a desire for a great ironic end to every story.

The Unknown Theater has since closed, and it was a favorite hangout of mine. Got to meet alot of cool people, and do my thing there.

To all the Girls I've Loved Before.....

2009-10-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

To all the comics that email me and ask about Dame Funny , talk to me in person either at my show or another show I am at (AFTER I GO UP), I do not want to be a cyber booker. If I don't know you, I DON'T KNOW YOU.

If you like tell me where you are performing, invite me, and then we'll see. I'm not saying "No", I'm saying, "let me learn how to do this thing first." I've had 2 shows and 200 inquires.

Right now I am sticking with my "Dames" I know and trust.

Here is my regular rotation of places I am at....(subject to change at any time)

Sunday- Store, then Unknown
Monday- Lovitz
Tuesday- Amsterdam, Michael's
Wednesday- Pig N Whistle
Thursday- Comic Bug
Friday- UCB Theater, Sunset Grill
Saturday- I watch football

if you don't know where these places are, google is your friend.

If you really like me, get me a pack of cigarettes. Also, promise me you will invite all your girlfriends who show pisspoor judgement when it comes to men.

Top Story...Hollywood Incest

2009-09-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

It's my fault, I stayed home and watched TV. I was a stupid American. I occasionally like to get some utility of my apartment and TV other than a place to sleep and shower. Most nights I am hitting mics, hanging with friends or working at Lovitz.

I stayed home....wasn't really looking forward to it, but needed a night off. It was Thursday, and as much as I hate TV, I can't resist the Office and Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm warming to Community and Parks/Recreation (loved to see Louie on there).

Of course before the sitcoms they force feed the celebrity horseshit. And Thursday's special was 80's teen sex icon, Mackenzie Phillips, was molested by her hippie songster father, John Phillips, of the Mamas and Papas. I truly am sorry to hear that, if true.

But..............

NEITHER ARE CELEBRITIES!!! Granted they WERE Celebrities, but this is 2009. Yes, they have been on TV, magazines and everything. If someone told me Mackenzie Phillips is going to be on Letterman, I wouldn't care. If someone tells me Tina Fey, Talib Kweli, or Green Day is on, I'll likely watch. She wasn't the story, the molestation was the story.

It's a sad statement that is the only way to get your name out. If a 40 year old female that lived her whole life in Iowa had a molesting father that worked as a plumber wrote a book, NO ONE WOULD CARE.

Second part was, I couldn't help but feel this was a pitch to buy her book. I am jaded and cold, but I am also very intelligent. Why don't people be forthcoming with their true feelings and emotions when there is no payoff involved.

(That being said, I'm a comic and would love to have you come to one of my shows.)

Watching this on TV reminded me of rubber-necks that witness traffic tragedies daily on the freeway, and just slowly look at it as they pass. People don't pull over and try to help (change a tire, check to see if people are OK) they just mosey on and have a small sip from a warm cup of schadenfreude..

I am not being heartless, I am being real.

Finally, is the man has been dead for 8 years...He can't defend himself from these allegations. It's just a messed up thing to have that be the top match when someone googles his name.

George Carlin had a classic line about a priest scandal that filed suit after 30 years...."If it was that long ago, and you still remember, It couldn't have been that bad"

I won't be surprised if this gets her on next season's Dancing With the Stars, where she is the sentimental favorite.

I'll be even less surprised if that was the original intent.

By no way, am I condoning any of the alleged actions. I am solely offering my jaded and likely hypocritical opinion of it. Child molesting is not funny, and if you have been a victim seek help...seriously

Happy 50th QT

2009-09-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Happy 50th birthday Quiktrip, I miss you.

I am 32 years old, (feels kind of cool to say) and have almost always had a job since the age of 16. Seven and a half years of that time I was employed by Quiktrip, one of the best companies to work for in the world.

In fact, I think their "Be the Best" strategy, spoiled me for other employers.

When I worked there, I remember three core goals:
1. Take care of your employees.
2. Take care of your customers.
3. If you do the first two, profits take care of themselves.

To me it was such common sense, and it clearly has worked out very well for the company. You make employees stakeholders. If the company (and specifically their location thrive) they are rewarded more handsomely. You solicit feedback from employees and customers. You review on a monthly level, so that if mistakes are made they aren't repeated. You maintain equipment. And most importantly, you work hard every day and so does everyone else you work with.

When I go there now, things have changed, their merchandising is different, their products are a little different. I preferred the old Koolees (the ones that actually tasted like Pepsi, Damnit!) , and the pizza sticks I say no thank you to. But I firmly believe that if any company modeled themselves after Quiktrip they would be successful. They are still miles ahead of anything I have seen here or there.

and now pictures of cop cars in front of a QT....quite likely pleasuring themsleves to this month's episode of Guns and Ammo.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sorry guys not being funny, just voicing my frustration of not having QTs in Los Angeles

2009-09-18T15:40:00.001-07:00

Testing this new blog from the phone thing....

Trannsylvania

2009-08-27T15:16:00.000-07:00

I am disgusted by the plethora of tranny prostitutes in my neighborhood. Technically, they are not in my neighborhood, but they are about a mile north and/or west of my enclave. It's quite an anomaly, It's like all of them are six foot tall, skinny black guys. I like to pretend it's the Lakers wearing the outfits of the groupies they just banged. Some sort of roleplay gone astray.

On occasion, there is a white one that always disgusts me, not as a racial thing, it's just their pimple face is much more prominent on fairer skin. Luckily, I only see them at night. I supposed it could sound racist, I just don't see many of the trannies out in the sunlight.

I find it weird that females are so sympathetic to the trannies. I think they should be insulted, because most of them I have seen are just into the dicksucking business. I do realize that all transexuals, just like all women, are not prostitutes. I do know some legitimate transexuals who are not selling themselves. To hear abouthe rest of them.....read on.

I would find it highly insulting if a guy went to all that trouble to try and capture the essence of femininity and all they wanted to do was blow cock. They do all the maintenance: heels, shaving, tits, ass, make up, etc.

Want to be a waitress? Naah I'll suck a dick

Want to teach pre-school? Naah, I'll suck a dick

Want to answer phones in an office? Naah, I'll suck a dick.

Naturally, I don't understand trannies prostitute, I don't understand women either.

WhoRepresents.com

2009-04-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

There is a website called WhoRepresents.com for agents/managers; It's to find which celebrity is repped by whom. Could be useful.

It could also be spelled WhorePresents.com

That's all nothing else funny, at this time.

Love Comedy, Comedians notsomuch

2009-04-15T10:15:00.000-07:00

So the last few days have been hilarious, not in that, great gut-busting laughter way; But in the way that someone's house fire can be entertaining.

There are too many comics in LA, we may outnumber the Mexicans. However, the Mexicans provide some material for comics, other comics just provide angst for comics. I noticed that the outside of an open mic looks a hell of a lot like the parking lot at Home Depot.

If you have a 5 minute open mic, do 5 minutes, "What was I gonna talk about..." means you need to practice and go freaking last. or end your set. There is shame in ending a set early, I've done it before; There should be punishment for making the audience watch you on life support; If you are horrible, you should at least figure it out.

It's uncomfortable for me to have to tell you. Last of all, being a comic doesn't make you immune to social mores; It just means you have an immediate copout....

In other news, I am proud of walking away from an ugly situation, and making it less ugly; Now I am going to pay my taxes, enjoy a light, and mail a teabag to Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer. I am just dead tired with LA, I am about to get self-centered, jaded and ugly, good times....When in Rome.

Cigaretes and Beer, Life is Long

2009-03-26T01:17:00.000-07:00

In Ferris Beuller's Day Off, Matthew Broderick said, "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around you might miss it."

It was cute at the time, Reebok had their adreaniline-testosterone induced, lowest common denomonator aimed slogan, "Life is Short, Play Hard"Both of these sayings are quaint and go along with the optimistic outlook on life. Neither the scriptwriter or ad writer realized how stupid they sound. I can tell neither have hosted the marathon show at the Pig N Whistle. Especially without my two biggest comic influences, Cigarettes and Beer.

The Legend Doug Stanhope said three things have made him a comic, drugs, cigarettes and beer; Drugs so he has interesting thoughts, Cigarettes so he has the patience to write the jokes, and beer so he has the courage to tell them to a judgemental audience.

I respect any comic who can do this without beer and smokes, I have been trying to live better, and save money, by staying off the cigs and beer, and I am bored out of my mind. I really don't care to extend my life, if I am just going to be more bored than I already am.

I've had a borderline interesting life, I grew up on a farm, I went to predominantly black high school, I went to a big state university, (RECENT ADD ran with the bulls in Tijuana, Mexico) I've visited almost every state, joined a fraternity, moved to LA, seen alot of my favorite musicians, athletes, and comics play live, wrote for the LA Times, met some of my heroes in person. I am not gonna lie, those things have been fun; but the other 99.9% has been skullnumbing boredom.

I don't care to have that long of a live, if I can't tell if I am comatose or not. I'll let as many mass consumers/ blind to their idiocrcy/ contently mediocre fucks breathe up all the oxygen. In the meantime, I am going to go try and fill it with Tecate belches and Parliment Light Smoke.

Life is Beautiful, The key is quality, not quanity.