Perfectly Capable of Butcherinng This Up at Any Time

I have gotten funnier. Every comic says it, but that is just because alot of comics are egotistical bastards and scumbag salesmen. I've got a home club, and getting on at other joints around LA. Which is kind of cool, yet kind of weird. I can attribute to getting comfortable, and knowing I have future gigs.

I am not an LA guy, I always thought I was, but I was way off. If I ever get popular in Los Angeles, either shoot me or everyone in this city. I am hoping you choose the latter, I would probably like this place without all the traffic and parking hassles.

I am looking for a few more road dates, so if you are a club owner, and are mildly amused, holla....

This blog should have been more entertaining, alas it isn't.

Things are going well, but as I told the owner of the club I work at, I am perfectly capable of butchering this at any time.

Fuck LA, yet I am a Dodger fan....

Hitting Women is too Easy

So yeah, I played the hero last night, it felt good to know I did the right thing, but dissatisfied with the reult.

I was hanging at a comedy show in the shady part of Theater Row in Hollywood. It's a part of town with still wet Latinos and 6 foot tall black tranny whores. This is not the Bed, Bath, and Beyond crowd.

About 11PM, someone points out a couple that we couldn't tell if they were fighting or plowing each others fruitful loins against a sedan in the shadows on the side of the street. I assumed it was a couple being playful, but had a weird feeling. I grabbed some of the comics who were outside to go with me

(This is where i will interrupt the building intruige in the story to tell you my amazement that comics actually put their cigarettes out, stopped texting/twittering, and trying to get booked on someone else's show to be altruistic, albeut for 30 seconds.)

We surround the guy Mr. Smith Matrix style. I made the verbal and eye contact. I felt strong, I felt mighty. I saw a look of damsel in distress in her eyes. In his eyes, I saw a combination of many Tecates and an appalling annoyance at the interruption in his family's tradition of female coercian as if I was masturbating during a briss.

We seperate the guyfrom his lipstick covered punching bag. He starts taking swings at the fellas and we wrestle him to the ground in a non UFC way, and sepeate him from victim.

As soon as the whole gang came togather like Voltron, Ike Turner let go of his chick, and I asked her if she wanted to come across the street and call a cab and get home safe.

She looked at us like we were insane. It is surreal when an epiphany hits someone in the face, and they clench their eyes tighter. Because, change is an unknown, and misery has that familliar flavor of Bazooka Joe (at first better than no gum, then quickly remembering that the recycled joke from the fifties on wax paper is more entertaining.)

Chris Brown goes into crying mariachi mode, and it was delightful to see. He realized he had been an asshole, and his lady may be mooking for a different guy's name to tattoo on her neck.

And then the unthinkable, this lovestruck down syndrome patient turns goes back just to talk. We all shrug, turn around and plan our next Rihanna joke about the incident.

15 minutes later more banging on the same side of the same car. Spanish yelling and then the car takes off with Mike Tyson laying a patch of rubber longer than a list of Justin Bieber accomplishments.

I have never wished for a woman to be abused/beaten/humiliated. But as a joketeller, I always carry a desire for a great ironic end to every story.

The Unknown Theater has since closed, and it was a favorite hangout of mine. Got to meet alot of cool people, and do my thing there.

To all the Girls I've Loved Before.....

To all the comics that email me and ask about Dame Funny , talk to me in person either at my show or another show I am at (AFTER I GO UP), I do not want to be a cyber booker. If I don't know you, I DON'T KNOW YOU.

If you like tell me where you are performing, invite me, and then we'll see. I'm not saying "No", I'm saying, "let me learn how to do this thing first." I've had 2 shows and 200 inquires.



Right now I am sticking with my "Dames" I know and trust.

Here is my regular rotation of places I am at....(subject to change at any time)

Sunday- Store, then Unknown
Monday- Lovitz
Tuesday- Amsterdam, Michael's
Wednesday- Pig N Whistle
Thursday- Comic Bug
Friday- UCB Theater, Sunset Grill
Saturday- I watch football

if you don't know where these places are, google is your friend.

If you really like me, get me a pack of cigarettes. Also, promise me you will invite all your girlfriends who show pisspoor judgement when it comes to men.

Top Story...Hollywood Incest

It's my fault, I stayed home and watched TV. I was a stupid American. I occasionally like to get some utility of my apartment and TV other than a place to sleep and shower. Most nights I am hitting mics, hanging with friends or working at Lovitz.

I stayed home....wasn't really looking forward to it, but needed a night off. It was Thursday, and as much as I hate TV, I can't resist the Office and Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm warming to Community and Parks/Recreation (loved to see Louie on there).

Of course before the sitcoms they force feed the celebrity horseshit. And Thursday's special was 80's teen sex icon, Mackenzie Phillips, was molested by her hippie songster father, John Phillips, of the Mamas and Papas. I truly am sorry to hear that, if true.

But..............


NEITHER ARE CELEBRITIES!!! Granted they WERE Celebrities, but this is 2009. Yes, they have been on TV, magazines and everything. If someone told me Mackenzie Phillips is going to be on Letterman, I wouldn't care. If someone tells me Tina Fey, Talib Kweli, or Green Day is on, I'll likely watch. She wasn't the story, the molestation was the story.

It's a sad statement that is the only way to get your name out. If a 40 year old female that lived her whole life in Iowa had a molesting father that worked as a plumber wrote a book, NO ONE WOULD CARE.

Second part was, I couldn't help but feel this was a pitch to buy her book. I am jaded and cold, but I am also very intelligent. Why don't people be forthcoming with their true feelings and emotions when there is no payoff involved.

(That being said, I'm a comic and would love to have you come to one of my shows.)

Watching this on TV reminded me of rubber-necks that witness traffic tragedies daily on the freeway, and just slowly look at it as they pass. People don't pull over and try to help (change a tire, check to see if people are OK) they just mosey on and have a small sip from a warm cup of schadenfreude..

I am not being heartless, I am being real.

Finally, is the man has been dead for 8 years...He can't defend himself from these allegations. It's just a messed up thing to have that be the top match when someone googles his name.

George Carlin had a classic line about a priest scandal that filed suit after 30 years...."If it was that long ago, and you still remember, It couldn't have been that bad"

I won't be surprised if this gets her on next season's Dancing With the Stars, where she is the sentimental favorite.

I'll be even less surprised if that was the original intent.

By no way, am I condoning any of the alleged actions. I am solely offering my jaded and likely hypocritical opinion of it. Child molesting is not funny, and if you have been a victim seek help...seriously

Happy 50th QT

Happy 50th birthday Quiktrip, I miss you.

I am 32 years old, (feels kind of cool to say) and have almost always had a job since the age of 16. Seven and a half years of that time I was employed by Quiktrip, one of the best companies to work for in the world.

In fact, I think their "Be the Best" strategy, spoiled me for other employers.

When I worked there, I remember three core goals:
1. Take care of your employees.
2. Take care of your customers.
3. If you do the first two, profits take care of themselves.

To me it was such common sense, and it clearly has worked out very well for the company. You make employees stakeholders. If the company (and specifically their location thrive) they are rewarded more handsomely. You solicit feedback from employees and customers. You review on a monthly level, so that if mistakes are made they aren't repeated. You maintain equipment. And most importantly, you work hard every day and so does everyone else you work with.

When I go there now, things have changed, their merchandising is different, their products are a little different. I preferred the old Koolees (the ones that actually tasted like Pepsi, Damnit!) , and the pizza sticks I say no thank you to. But I firmly believe that if any company modeled themselves after Quiktrip they would be successful. They are still miles ahead of anything I have seen here or there.

and now pictures of cop cars in front of a QT....quite likely pleasuring themsleves to this month's episode of Guns and Ammo.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sorry guys not being funny, just voicing my frustration of not having QTs in Los Angeles

Testing this new blog from the phone thing....

Trannsylvania

I am disgusted by the plethora of tranny prostitutes in my neighborhood. Technically, they are not in my neighborhood, but they are about a mile north and/or west of my enclave. It's quite an anomaly, It's like all of them are six foot tall, skinny black guys. I like to pretend it's the Lakers wearing the outfits of the groupies they just banged. Some sort of roleplay gone astray.

On occasion, there is a white one that always disgusts me, not as a racial thing, it's just their pimple face is much more prominent on fairer skin. Luckily, I only see them at night. I supposed it could sound racist, I just don't see many of the trannies out in the sunlight.

I find it weird that females are so sympathetic to the trannies. I think they should be insulted, because most of them I have seen are just into the dicksucking business. I do realize that all transexuals, just like all women, are not prostitutes. I do know some legitimate transexuals who are not selling themselves. To hear abouthe rest of them.....read on.

I would find it highly insulting if a guy went to all that trouble to try and capture the essence of femininity and all they wanted to do was blow cock. They do all the maintenance: heels, shaving, tits, ass, make up, etc.

Want to be a waitress? Naah I'll suck a dick

Want to teach pre-school? Naah, I'll suck a dick

Want to answer phones in an office? Naah, I'll suck a dick.

Naturally, I don't understand trannies prostitute, I don't understand women either.