December 29, 2009
That jackass on the phone has been fired from multiple gigs for fucking up.
Americans hate their jobs, we grew up wanting to play point guard for the Lakers, guitarist for Motley Crue, hotshot lawyer that tells a judge to suck it, yet still win the case.
You had false hope too many people reinforcing your dreams with structures of balsa wood, too many pass/fail classes at some pussy liberal arts school.
You thought you would make it, you didn't; you took a job settling for less, you take a job short term to get you buy until you are doing what you want, before long you've been there long enough to be vested in the 401k profit sharing. It's almost enough motivation to make you care..."Lehman Brothers does well, I'll do well too" whatever....
You cope, you start drinking coffee, lots of it. Coffee to get you by so you can justify rolling ot of bed for a substandard wage to buy the shit you don't need, and mistakenly try to impress the friends that you don't have.
Coffee has replaced religon as the opiate of the masses. I grew up in Oklahoma, and there is a church on every corner, and even in my backwater peniswrinkle of a town, there are 2 starbucks on those same street corners.
Want to see the influence of coffee?? Go to a manufacturing plant, and demolish the coffee machine with a ball peen hammer.
By the first union sanctioned break, the foreman will be hung from the rafters, fully gutted; any marketable body parts will have been harvested and sold with a paypal reciept in a dockworker's hand by from Ebay.
So yeah, I've had a few shitty jobs.
December 23, 2009
A lot of comics think I will book them based on clever conversations we have on Facebook or whatever. I can appreciate optimism.
I will give credit, sending a Youtube or a FunnyOrDie link is better. But, I don’t do webcast shows. I am not sure if many comics realize it. I am not a television producer, I am not a movie maker, I do produce live stand-up comedy shows.
I know demo reels can be doctored edited all that stuff. I would rather watch you live. Here’s an idea, invite me to a live show. Or go wherever I am, I am a fairly easy guy to find. I’m not Waldo. I’m not Jon Gotti. I’m not Keyzer Soze.
Open mics I frequent:
Tuesday: Amsterdam Café
Wednesdays: Pig N Whistle
Thursdays: Sunset Grill or Comic Bug
Friday: Sunset Grill or UCB Theater or Amsterdam Café
Saturdays: Icehouse (Afternoons)
Sunday: Comedy Store or Lovitz
I am not promising to be anywhere. I don’t owe many people anything. If you’re funny, I’ll find time for you. If you’re not I’d suggest talking to somewhere where you may fit better.
December 18, 2009
OK, So first of all, did anyone bother to ask 50, what the hell a pocket full of dub was. None of my black friends could make a good logical reasoning out of it. And all my white friends, (well the ones that like hiphop) were too chickenshit scared of sounding condesending to ask what that mumbling, target practice-torsoed, bullet magnet monkey was saying.
If you get shot 10 times, you likely deserved some of the lead.
And no not all black people are monkeys, but you are a racist when a black person looks like a monkey and you don't point it out.
I suppose it's the charm of being almost killed, somewhat charismatic, relatively goodlooking. Suburban wannabes won't do anything that would make them feel whiter than they already are to ask, "What a pocket full of 'dub is."
Always brilliant to start a blog off on a sidenote.
I went to a nightclub recently, and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I went because I had girls in from out of town, and I have a hookup at a rather posh nightclub in tinseltown.
It wasn't as bad as I thought, mainly because I bypassed the line with the guestlist, and got to avoid that collection of narcissistic optimistic sexual deviants who were wearing their best "fuck me" clothes. I don't have the need for acceptance or attention. I am in love, and don't really care for the attention getting mode.
I am not sure if Ed Hardy has a scent, perhaps a staler version of Teen Spirit mixed with desperation, and the mint leave from a $12 Mojito. But that was the vibe I got. Lots of grinding foreshadowing the future regret.
I went with a friend, and fellas, if you ever want a great wingman at a club Brian Swineheart is your boy. He was pulling numbers from the parking lot. I'll get more in depth on this later.
Anyways, had a nightclub experience and it wasn't God-awful, but if you do that Hollywood nightclub shit every weekend, you're soul will be devoured like Tiger Woods' legal fund.
I like to drink, but I'd much rather have a pub over a club anyday. I like people that consume beer and nachos, not fake compliments.
Look at the Calendar at the top and come see my shows.
December 9, 2009
Better late than never.
I wanted to have a blog up for December, and I have actually been killer busy at both the day job and the night job. It's made me a relatively angrier person than regular.
Sidenote: I despise like a cancer the insincere bulk texts I get on Thanksgivings. It's cool you remembered to say thanks, but it comes off as genuine as an Ed Hardy shirt.
I believe my thoughts become my words, and my words become my beliefs. So , I am going Oprah-esque and putting the good vibes out again.
Here's some shit I am thankful for:
-My day job, I bitch and moan alot about it, but there are alot of people unemployed right now. Thanks to the managers and owners of my day gig.
-Rick Shapiro, meeting Hurricane Rick was something of a trip. we met out the Improv, one night. He was impressed with my knowledge of Sean Penn movies. He motivates and inspires me to go deeper and not be content with horseshit sets.
-Mike Gundy, It's very gay I have my college football coach up here this high, especially after getting his ass handed to him my Mack Brown and Bob Stoops, but he does give a shit. He just needs to work smarter instead of harder.
-My bank, Oklahoma Central Credit Union, They approved my loan, I got my Jeep, and life has been easier ever since. They are also a bank staffed by Americans not customer service reps in some third world shithole who barely speak the language.
-Frank Kelley, he gave me a job at Jon Lovitz Comedy Club (likely against his better judgement), he's let me earn stage time, I've made him money, and he's made me a better comic.
-Mustafa Ahmad, Jason LaCour, Angelo Bowers, Josh Adam Meyers, Scott Bowser, Rodney Wade, Justine Marino, Leisa Mills, King Anyi Howell, and Chris Putro; These are LA Comics I see grind every continously and are always blowing me away with new shit. They are funny demons and they push me to be better comics. I'd give them all hugs, but they would all try to grab my dick....except Justine and Leisa.
-My parents, they put up with my horseshit, and still love me unconditionally. It's kind of wicked retarded that I left them this low on the list, but they know how ADD I am.
-A special girl, she motivates me like a motherfucker to write and be funny. Her praises encourage me. Her scowls make me work harder. She sometimes drives me nuts. We'll probably end up like Mickey and Mallory. I am not saying her name, because it isn't nessecary, and she knows who she is.
Anyways, I'm not as angry as I sound all the time. But I am just always busy.
If anyone asks, I'll just say I started from least important to most important.
If I left you out, get over yourselves...FUCKERS!
November 30, 2009
Alot of people ask me who my influences are, and it's one of those questions, that I can't answer in a sentence or even multiple paragraphs.
My parents were very good about exposing me to comedy at an early age, and helped wet my pallete. I believe my first exposure ws early Saturdy Night Live, Weird Al Yankovic videos, and records of Bill Cosby and George Carlin.
I remember the first live comedy show I ever saw was George Carlin at the Brady Theater in Downtown Tulsa. It's a historic venue, and I one day hope to grace the stage there. I also saw Weird Al Yankovic there too. He has a hard dick for Tulsa, he shot UHF there. A hilarious flick, which featured Victoria Jackson and a pre-Seinfeld Micheal Richards.
I started out with Weird Al, Cosby, and Carlin, all guys I aspire to be compared to. I'll just rattle off the rest of my influences:
Chris Rock, Bring the Pain changed my life.
Doug Stanhope, his bit about anti-depressents and OCD saved my life.
The guys from Tough Crowd: Jim Norton, Nick DiPaolo, and Patrice O'Neal
and Phil Hendrie, the funniest man on radio, ever.
I've also been motivated by guys/gals I do or see shows with here in LA.
I love making a room full of people laugh, but when I get one of these guys to just grin, I get that funny felling in my heart. It's that endorphin that makes chasing that dream one step closer to reality.
Evaldo Garcia (Canibal),
Josh Adam Meyers,
Not all of these guys/gals are my friends in real life, but they are guys/gals who consistently kill me, and I wanted to share a little of what makes me tick.
Neither of these lists are exclusive and always fluctuating, but I just wanted to let you know some of the cats I respect, and I hope you follow their careers, as well as mine.
My road trip to success would be boring if I was the only one in the car.
November 24, 2009
If you are a comic, and you have been grinding on open mics and bar room shows for months on end, and someone finally books you on a show. Perhaps, promote it, invite people, to see what you have been working on for months, years, decades.
I've been doing this for a while, and I am pretty good at it, but I have yet to make a chair laugh. If you can, you didn't, but I would like to meet your pharmacist.
Especially when it is a FREE show. If you can't inspire people to turn off some shitty TV show like, "Two and a Half Men" and get off their fat American asses to come watch you do something original. You either A) know you suck, B) aren't original.
I know the whole, "I'm an artist issue," I get,Honestly I do. I tell dick jokes too. I realize that comics in LA are a commodity, just like 99 cent stores, tranny prostitutes and taco trucks. There is a fine line between good and bad, and no one cares if you get on stage again, unless YOU do.
Here's another idea, tell people a few days/week BEFORE the show. Not the day of.
People have significant others, childcare issues, stuff they want to DVR, and the like. Don't wait to the last second to invite people to see something you SHOULD be proud of.
There are a 1000 comics in LA that want/need stage time, and if you aren't proud enough to invite your friends...well fuck you. Posting something on facebook is great, but printing up fliers, and giving them to your coworkers, neighbors, family, the cute chick/cat at Starbucks, drycleaner, classmate, rapist, poker buddies, maid, tranny prostitute.
If the only people you know are other comics, then you are lying and/or are a failure at life.
Effort is all that is asked. I can't expect you to tell jokes when I doubt you wipe your own ass.
Chairs don't laugh, don't buy drinks, and clubs close when people don't try.
Go Raiders, Go OState
November 19, 2009
I don't get into heroworship when it comes to athletes, but I will make an exception. Luckily, this guy went to my alma mater, Oklahoma State University.
Keith Toston has been the Epitome of COWBOY UP!
He came in with alot of hype, got some early PT, but fell behind in the depth chart to Dantrell Savage and Kendall Hunter.
What did he do? He kept Grinding, and Grinding and Grinding....
He didn't pout, he didn't transfer, he didn't become a cancer.
We are 8-2, and 5-1 in the Big 12, and a MAJOR EFFING REASON is Keith Toston, we relied on our 2nd string tailback to carry us through games and get us wins against Tech, Iowa State, Baylor, and Mizzou.
If we had 50 Keith Tostons on the roster, we would be an unstoppable team. We would also have too many running backs on the roster.
November 17, 2009
...off the Colts, formerly of the New England Patriots.
He has won Super Bowls with clutch kicks.
He wins 1-2 games a year for the Colts.
He hits 90% of his field goals.
He doesn't go around talking about how good he is on Saturday Nights.
He doesn't need to kick small animals to prove how good he is. He gets respect for his performance on Sundays.
He never looks like he is threatened by other kickers. He does his job, and knows how good he is.
The guy he replaced, Mike Vanderjagt, always ran his mouth, he's out of the league these days.
Enjoy this week's games.
November 10, 2009
I have gotten funnier. Every comic says it, but that is just because alot of comics are egotistical bastards and scumbag salesmen. I've got a home club, and getting on at other joints around LA. Which is kind of cool, yet kind of weird. I can attribute to getting comfortable, and knowing I have future gigs.
I am not an LA guy, I always thought I was, but I was way off. If I ever get popular in Los Angeles, either shoot me or everyone in this city. I am hoping you choose the latter, I would probably like this place without all the traffic and parking hassles.
I am looking for a few more road dates, so if you are a club owner, and are mildly amused, holla....
This blog should have been more entertaining, alas it isn't.
Things are going well, but as I told the owner of the club I work at, I am perfectly capable of butchering this at any time.
Fuck LA, yet I am a Dodger fan....
October 26, 2009
So yeah, I played the hero last night, it felt good to know I did the right thing, but dissatisfied with the reult.
I was hanging at a comedy show in the shady part of Theater Row in Hollywood. It's a part of town with still wet Latinos and 6 foot tall black tranny whores. This is not the Bed, Bath, and Beyond crowd.
About 11PM, someone points out a couple that we couldn't tell if they were fighting or plowing each others fruitful loins against a sedan in the shadows on the side of the street. I assumed it was a couple being playful, but had a weird feeling. I grabbed some of the comics who were outside to go with me
(This is where i will interrupt the building intruige in the story to tell you my amazement that comics actually put their cigarettes out, stopped texting/twittering, and trying to get booked on someone else's show to be altruistic, albeut for 30 seconds.)
We surround the guy Mr. Smith Matrix style. I made the verbal and eye contact. I felt strong, I felt mighty. I saw a look of damsel in distress in her eyes. In his eyes, I saw a combination of many Tecates and an appalling annoyance at the interruption in his family's tradition of female coercian as if I was masturbating during a briss.
We seperate the guyfrom his lipstick covered punching bag. He starts taking swings at the fellas and we wrestle him to the ground in a non UFC way, and sepeate him from victim.
As soon as the whole gang came togather like Voltron, Ike Turner let go of his chick, and I asked her if she wanted to come across the street and call a cab and get home safe.
She looked at us like we were insane. It is surreal when an epiphany hits someone in the face, and they clench their eyes tighter. Because, change is an unknown, and misery has that familliar flavor of Bazooka Joe (at first better than no gum, then quickly remembering that the recycled joke from the fifties on wax paper is more entertaining.)
Chris Brown goes into crying mariachi mode, and it was delightful to see. He realized he had been an asshole, and his lady may be mooking for a different guy's name to tattoo on her neck.
And then the unthinkable, this lovestruck down syndrome patient turns goes back just to talk. We all shrug, turn around and plan our next Rihanna joke about the incident.
15 minutes later more banging on the same side of the same car. Spanish yelling and then the car takes off with Mike Tyson laying a patch of rubber longer than a list of Justin Bieber accomplishments.
I have never wished for a woman to be abused/beaten/humiliated. But as a joketeller, I always carry a desire for a great ironic end to every story.
The Unknown Theater has since closed, and it was a favorite hangout of mine. Got to meet alot of cool people, and do my thing there.
October 21, 2009
To all the comics that email me and ask about Dame Funny , talk to me in person either at my show or another show I am at (AFTER I GO UP), I do not want to be a cyber booker. If I don't know you, I DON'T KNOW YOU.
If you like tell me where you are performing, invite me, and then we'll see. I'm not saying "No", I'm saying, "let me learn how to do this thing first." I've had 2 shows and 200 inquires.
Right now I am sticking with my "Dames" I know and trust.
Here is my regular rotation of places I am at....(subject to change at any time)
Sunday- Store, then Unknown
Tuesday- Amsterdam, Michael's
Wednesday- Pig N Whistle
Thursday- Comic Bug
Friday- UCB Theater, Sunset Grill
Saturday- I watch football
if you don't know where these places are, google is your friend.
If you really like me, get me a pack of cigarettes. Also, promise me you will invite all your girlfriends who show pisspoor judgement when it comes to men.
September 25, 2009
It's my fault, I stayed home and watched TV. I was a stupid American. I occasionally like to get some utility of my apartment and TV other than a place to sleep and shower. Most nights I am hitting mics, hanging with friends or working at Lovitz.
I stayed home....wasn't really looking forward to it, but needed a night off. It was Thursday, and as much as I hate TV, I can't resist the Office and Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm warming to Community and Parks/Recreation (loved to see Louie on there).
Of course before the sitcoms they force feed the celebrity horseshit. And Thursday's special was 80's teen sex icon, Mackenzie Phillips, was molested by her hippie songster father, John Phillips, of the Mamas and Papas. I truly am sorry to hear that, if true.
NEITHER ARE CELEBRITIES!!! Granted they WERE Celebrities, but this is 2009. Yes, they have been on TV, magazines and everything. If someone told me Mackenzie Phillips is going to be on Letterman, I wouldn't care. If someone tells me Tina Fey, Talib Kweli, or Green Day is on, I'll likely watch. She wasn't the story, the molestation was the story.
It's a sad statement that is the only way to get your name out. If a 40 year old female that lived her whole life in Iowa had a molesting father that worked as a plumber wrote a book, NO ONE WOULD CARE.
Second part was, I couldn't help but feel this was a pitch to buy her book. I am jaded and cold, but I am also very intelligent. Why don't people be forthcoming with their true feelings and emotions when there is no payoff involved.
(That being said, I'm a comic and would love to have you come to one of my shows.)
Watching this on TV reminded me of rubber-necks that witness traffic tragedies daily on the freeway, and just slowly look at it as they pass. People don't pull over and try to help (change a tire, check to see if people are OK) they just mosey on and have a small sip from a warm cup of schadenfreude..
I am not being heartless, I am being real.
Finally, is the man has been dead for 8 years...He can't defend himself from these allegations. It's just a messed up thing to have that be the top match when someone googles his name.
George Carlin had a classic line about a priest scandal that filed suit after 30 years...."If it was that long ago, and you still remember, It couldn't have been that bad"
I won't be surprised if this gets her on next season's Dancing With the Stars, where she is the sentimental favorite.
I'll be even less surprised if that was the original intent.
By no way, am I condoning any of the alleged actions. I am solely offering my jaded and likely hypocritical opinion of it. Child molesting is not funny, and if you have been a victim seek help...seriously
September 21, 2009
Happy 50th birthday Quiktrip, I miss you.
I am 32 years old, (feels kind of cool to say) and have almost always had a job since the age of 16. Seven and a half years of that time I was employed by Quiktrip, one of the best companies to work for in the world.
In fact, I think their "Be the Best" strategy, spoiled me for other employers.
When I worked there, I remember three core goals:
1. Take care of your employees.
2. Take care of your customers.
3. If you do the first two, profits take care of themselves.
To me it was such common sense, and it clearly has worked out very well for the company. You make employees stakeholders. If the company (and specifically their location thrive) they are rewarded more handsomely. You solicit feedback from employees and customers. You review on a monthly level, so that if mistakes are made they aren't repeated. You maintain equipment. And most importantly, you work hard every day and so does everyone else you work with.
When I go there now, things have changed, their merchandising is different, their products are a little different. I preferred the old Koolees (the ones that actually tasted like Pepsi, Damnit!) , and the pizza sticks I say no thank you to. But I firmly believe that if any company modeled themselves after Quiktrip they would be successful. They are still miles ahead of anything I have seen here or there.
and now pictures of cop cars in front of a QT....quite likely pleasuring themsleves to this month's episode of Guns and Ammo.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sorry guys not being funny, just voicing my frustration of not having QTs in Los Angeles
September 18, 2009
August 27, 2009
April 21, 2009
April 15, 2009
There are too many comics in LA, we may outnumber the Mexicans. However, the Mexicans provide some material for comics, other comics just provide angst for comics. I noticed that the outside of an open mic looks a hell of a lot like the parking lot at Home Depot.
If you have a 5 minute open mic, do 5 minutes, "What was I gonna talk about..." means you need to practice and go freaking last. or end your set. There is shame in ending a set early, I've done it before; There should be punishment for making the audience watch you on life support; If you are horrible, you should at least figure it out.
It's uncomfortable for me to have to tell you. Last of all, being a comic doesn't make you immune to social mores; It just means you have an immediate copout....
In other news, I am proud of walking away from an ugly situation, and making it less ugly; Now I am going to pay my taxes, enjoy a light, and mail a teabag to Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer. I am just dead tired with LA, I am about to get self-centered, jaded and ugly, good times....When in Rome.
March 26, 2009
In Ferris Beuller's Day Off, Matthew Broderick said, "Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around you might miss it."
It was cute at the time, Reebok had their adreaniline-testosterone induced, lowest common denomonator aimed slogan, "Life is Short, Play Hard"Both of these sayings are quaint and go along with the optimistic outlook on life. Neither the scriptwriter or ad writer realized how stupid they sound. I can tell neither have hosted the marathon show at the Pig N Whistle. Especially without my two biggest comic influences, Cigarettes and Beer.
The Legend Doug Stanhope said three things have made him a comic, drugs, cigarettes and beer; Drugs so he has interesting thoughts, Cigarettes so he has the patience to write the jokes, and beer so he has the courage to tell them to a judgemental audience.
I respect any comic who can do this without beer and smokes, I have been trying to live better, and save money, by staying off the cigs and beer, and I am bored out of my mind. I really don't care to extend my life, if I am just going to be more bored than I already am.
I've had a borderline interesting life, I grew up on a farm, I went to predominantly black high school, I went to a big state university, (RECENT ADD ran with the bulls in Tijuana, Mexico) I've visited almost every state, joined a fraternity, moved to LA, seen alot of my favorite musicians, athletes, and comics play live, wrote for the LA Times, met some of my heroes in person. I am not gonna lie, those things have been fun; but the other 99.9% has been skullnumbing boredom.
I don't care to have that long of a live, if I can't tell if I am comatose or not. I'll let as many mass consumers/ blind to their idiocrcy/ contently mediocre fucks breathe up all the oxygen. In the meantime, I am going to go try and fill it with Tecate belches and Parliment Light Smoke.
Life is Beautiful, The key is quality, not quanity.